“Enter the Paradise, you and your wives, to enjoy…and live therein forever … This is the Paradise you inherit because of what you used to do.” [Qur’an, 43: 70, 72]
The spousal relationship between man and woman is the bedrock of human social life. Marriage is a formalization of this sacrosanct relationship and it is the most consequential commitment as the origin of families giving rise to human civilization. Nurturing families is vital for the healthy growth of civic society. For its safeguard, Islam has formulated the code of family life on sound principles and specified the rights and obligations of spouses with instructions to protect families: “O People keep your duty to your Lord, Who created you from a single being and of the same created its mates, and spread from these numerous men and women. And keep your duty to Allah, by Whom you demand one of another your rights and to the ties of relationship…” [Q, 4:1]
The major objective of marriage in Islam is the protection of moral sanctity. It urges both men and women to subject their relationship to a code of law, which protects morality against indecency and guards civilization against chaos. Marriage, as characterized by the Prophet Muhammad SAW, “…is the best check for lustful eyes and effective help to maintain chastity…” [Bukhari, Muslim] Yet, another objective is to foster a bond of love and compassion between spouses: “…He created mates for you from yourself that you might find peace of mind in them and He put between you love and compassion…” [Q, 30: 21] This is crucial for together they have the responsibility of advancing the purposes that human society aspires to accomplish through marriage. Love and compassion enable them to live a happy life and give them the strength to raise a strong and disciplined family to promote higher cultural and moral virtues.
Islam provides clear guidelines to achieve these objectives and cultivate a stable family environment. Both parties are obligated to comply with the code of marriage. Briefly and first of all, the husband must offer a Mahr (wedding gift) to his wife at the wedding: “Give women their bridal-due in good cheer (considering a duty)…” [Q, 4: 4] Following this initial obligation, he is responsible for providing physical, economic, and emotional security to his wife; whereas, she is directed to protect her chastity and honor of her husband and his property, including his children. Mother’s lap is the natural home school for early childhood education, love, and affection; and it is the hub of concepts, discipline, and tender upbringing shaping the personality of a child. Motherly instincts are the most creative genius of the Creator for a child’s well-being in every conceivable way. That is why she has a greater right to her children for service, repeated three times by the Prophet SAW (Muslim, Bukhari, Dawud). Service to mother, as he revealed, is of high priority because: “The Paradise lies beneath the feet of your mother.” [Ahmad, Nisai]
Incidentally, it is worth mentioning that, unless there is a compelling reason for preferential treatment, parents must treat all their children equitably. Material differentiation, in particular, across siblings is unjust and prejudicial. Once a companion (Bashir) of the Prophet SAW had given some of his property as a gift to his son (Numan). Upon learning that Bashir had not treated his other children likewise, the Prophet SAW expressed his dislike for Bashir’s action, considering that as an injustice to siblings. Bashir thence vacated his decision (Bukhari, Muslim).
Other chores of life are left up to the individuals to sort out, according to their strengths, functionalities, preferences, and circumstances. Islam does not indulge in micromanaging. It allows people to mature and be able to take charge of their lives within the defined parameters. Spouses are provided flexibility to optimize their potential, use their particular talents, and collaboratively contribute to the well-being of the family and its healthy growth. Compatibility, adjustability and cooperation are essentials of group dynamics in response to constantly shifting balance chiefly due to evolving circumstances. Family stability is the outcome of these attributes.
The lifeline of richness and solidity of the spousal union depends on a cordial relationship between the principals built on mutual respect and fairness. The dictionary meaning of ‘fair’ is just, honest, impartial, and unprejudiced. No human being, however intelligent, can meet these criteria nor can anyone comprehend all human characteristics of men and women to be able to prescribe rules to govern them with equity and fairness. This domain entirely belongs to the Creator. Taking into account their physiological and psychological variants, and personality traits, and consistent with their needs and roles, Allah SWT has specified rights and duties of spouses that would interlace them together functionally and emotionally to secure a thriving and prospering spousal cohabitation.
It is also important to note that fairness demands equality between physical units that are identical. Man and woman are neither mere physical entities nor are they identical. They have their own personalities and are made different to perform diverse, yet complementary roles that converge to the same goal – a well-placed healthy family in society. Thus the emphasis of Islam is not on quantitative equality in every aspect of life. Instead, it seeks a qualitative balance in all functional areas critical to the sustainability of a sound family structure for advancing society’s mammoth task.
There are areas, of course, where equity simply means equality and Islam requires that kind of fairness as well. There is no differentiation between genders in terms of social justice, human rights, intellectual development, moral values, reward, and punishment. Islam’s system of recognition of individuals’ contributions and conduct is governed by the criterion of ‘equal virtue – equal reward.’ Believing men and women are assured: “Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has faith in Allah, verily to them, We will give a life of purity (in this world) and We will grant to such their reward (in the eternal life) based on their best actions.” [Q, 16: 97] The same principle applies to whoever is guilty of wrongdoing: “Those who do evil deeds, the recompense of an evil deed is its like…” [Q, 10: 27] Thus, punishment too is gender neutral.
Likewise, enlightenment through education is a human right. In Islam, a quest for knowledge is not an option, but rather a necessity. The Prophet SAW explicitly says that learning is mandatory for all Muslims: “Seeking knowledge is obligatory for all Muslim men and women.” [Bukhari, Muslim] Hence, learning is required so that each gender can excel to its given potential. Knowledge has been used here in its generic sense. It is not discipline-specific. Any beneficial knowledge, in any field of relevance to human service, that makes a person of any gender enlightened, well-rounded, and a contributing citizen of the society is valued in Islam. Of course, the knowledge that enriches a person intellectually and sharpens his vision about the purpose of life leads to Islam.
Consistent with their instincts and natural compositions, and given the overall configuration for a synchronized joint life, there are zones in human functions where women are more equal than men, and vice-versa. A proportionate combination of companionable elements produces a new personality structure with novel attributes, known as family values. Spouses should appreciate and capitalize on those assets and give a niche to their union for a charismatic family character.
In addition to financially supporting the family, the husband is also responsible for fostering a morally conducive environment and social accord at home. He must present himself as a role model of righteous conduct to the members of his household. The Islamic attitude in this regard is very unyielding: “O Believers! Save yourselves and your households from a Fire whose fuel shall be the men and stones…” [Q, 66: 6] That is, man’s responsibility is not just to be righteous in his own life. It also includes his duty to educate and discipline his family members, who have been entrusted to his care in the natural process of life, and create a moral climate at home to the best of his ability: “Enjoin prayer on your household, and do keep observing it…” [Q, 20: 132].
This theme is figuratively reinforced by the Prophet SWT: “Each one of you is a herdsman and is accountable about his herd: the ruler is a herdsman and is accountable with regard to his subject; the man is a herdsman of his family and is accountable about them; and a woman is a herdsman of her husband’s house and his children and is accountable about them.” [Bukhari] The parable of a herdsman used in the narration is worth pondering for his protective instincts. His undivided attention is on the safety, welfare, and nourishment of the herd under his care. The Islamic code enunciates these duties and defines the limits within which they can be exercised.
If Muslim spouses adhere to these guidelines in conducting their household affairs, their marital relations will flourish on fertile grounds, the home will become a center of joy and, most importantly, their children will become a treasure full of pride. These golden rules are workable in any culture, society, or setting. If they are committed, there is ample built-in adaptability in the code to adequately respond to any contingencies and meet whatever challenges mounted against them. The criterion for being a good husband is his compassion for his family, as defined by the Prophet SAW: “The best among you is he who is best to his family…” [Tirmidhi] Regarding a wife, he said: “…The most precious thing in the world is a virtuous woman.” [Ahmad, Muslim]
While it is the husband’s responsibility to financially support the family, Islam is not opposed to seeking economic prosperity if a wife desires to engage in gainful employment by providing beneficial services society needs. However, it cannot allow the family’s peace and prospects to be jeopardized for additional material gains. Priorities must be set sensibly without letting other aspirations undermine them. It is advisable to go through some thought processes and conduct a cost-benefit analysis before taking this step with the potential impact on family dynamics. The best strategy for Muslim spouses is to subject their decisions to a code of discipline that protects the accord of bond in which they find serenity and realization of the purpose of their existence.
They must recognize the triviality of the pleasures gained in the worldly life by shifting their priorities compared to the immeasurable rewards in the Next Life earned by keeping them aligned with the divine code: “…Know well that all the enjoyments of this world, in comparison with the Hereafter, is trivial.” [Q, 9: 38] It is important to realize that Allah SWT has predetermined everyone’s provision: “Allah enlarges and straitens the sustenance of those whom He pleases …” [Q, 13: 26] It is up to individuals how they choose to earn what is fated for them. The key to gratification is contentment and trust in Allah SWT. He decides what is best in His Wisdom: “…Believers should put their trust in Allah alone.” [Q, 64:13] In principle, with these cautions, there is no bar against a wife working outside in a safe environment. In fact, barring any detrimental impact on the family, it would be admirable if a wife could be a resource to society and contribute to its wellbeing. Islamic history has examples of Muslim women in public service. Their talent is invaluable in the human services sector, especially in health and education. Should she so choose in consultation with her husband, it would not relieve him, however, of his financial responsibility, unless for some extenuating circumstances, he is unable to make a living. Equally, a two-income family should not become a disarrayed two-economic systems household.
The preceding discourse attempts to elucidate Islam’s goal of shielding society against all detrimental influences. It begins by protecting the family’s integrity and raising a disciplined, informed, and contributing citizenry. By no coincidence, the Qur’an refers to family matters as often as daily prayers, repeated 83 times. This speaks volumes about the family’s sacrosanctity and its solemnity to dignify the human race. Generally, these references gravitate toward three pivotal areas that hold the key to a vibrant family life: The social environment created by mutual respect and healthy communication; the operating system identifying role assignments based on the interests and strengths of the participants; and hierarchical order for organizational discipline.
These spheres are mutually reinforcing and collectively inclusive of all protocols for teamwork. Within this framework, all family affairs can be managed peacefully including conflicts, if any.
Obviously, this calculated and solicitous conduct cannot sprout in a vacuum. Through discipline, it requires raising a sense of duty. Awareness of some realities hinted below, and following the rules prescribed in the Qur’an for redirecting behavior will bring a married couple up to the task:
We must believe, and the empirical evidence is there as far as human intelligence can grasp, that the legislative authority rests with Allah SWT. He alone makes the laws as He wills: “…Indeed Allah decrees as He wills.” [Q, 5: 1] And also, He does as He wills: “…Allah does whatever He wills.” [Q, 2: 253] Though these decisions or expositions may not always seem to be of our liking, nothing can halt or alter them. To be frank, it is what it is, because that is the golden rule: “To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth…” [Q, 42: 49] While we may not immediately comprehend them, they are based on Allah’s infinite Knowledge, Wisdom, and Mercy for the global administration: “…it may well be that you dislike a thing even though it is good for you, and it may well be that you like a thing even though it is bad for you…” [Q, 2: 216] The best approach is to reconcile with reality rather than defy gravity or hopelessly confront it. Husband and wife have been paired wisely being the best for each other; now it is for them to decide what level of excellence they want to take this partnership. The sky is the only limit.
This world is rich in diversity that prevails across everything that surrounds us in every category, visible or otherwise. Nowhere is it saliently so prevalent and deeply consequential than in humans and in their thought processes, strengths, functionalities, possessions, and even deficiencies. They must recognize the need to pool their talents. Cooperating, they stand tall; they self-destruct when envy and compete: “Do not covet what Allah has conferred more abundantly on some of you than others. Men shall have a share according to what they have earned, and women shall have a share according to what they have earned. Do ask of Allah His bounty…” [Q, 4: 32] Marriage partners must consolidate their gifted assets and fill in each other’s gaps. The relationship between the two is of such an inalienable intimacy and confidentiality like a person’s body and his clothes: “…they are your garment, and you are theirs…” [Q, 2: 187] Just as pieces of a mosaic with different patterns and contours fit in nicely to make a coherent exhibit, complementary personality attributes of husband and wife make their union enviable and perfect.
Islam enjoins consultation in conducting common affairs. The Qur’an introduces this concept: “… those who … conduct their affairs by mutual consultation…” [Q, 42: 38]. Consultation is a distinctive methodology vital to a deliberated collective life. The smallest social congregation of humans is comprised of two individuals, like husband and wife. They must conduct major family matters through mutual deliberations so that both feel committed to and vested in the outcome.
Similarly, every socio-economic unit is headed by someone entrusted with the overall responsibility of leading and safely navigating the unit to achieve its objectives and excel for a brighter future. In Islam, the responsibility of chaperoning the family is assigned to the husband, just as he is responsible for providing the family: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women…” [Q, 4: 34] Since all central matters are conducted through consultation, the wife’s full support and participation are vital to the husband’s ability to carry out his duties effectively. In this capacity as custodian, he is tasked to be a role model for his family in all essential aspects.
Justice is a universally celebrated human right of every soul. In Islam, justice is required, but not considered sufficient. It enjoins going the extra mile to top off justice with generosity: “Surely Allah enjoins justice and generosity…” [Q, 16: 90] Justice is a utilitarian process between two parties; whereas, generosity is triggered by the spiritual connection a person has with his Creator. These are two mutually interdependent wheels connected together through the axil of innate human nobility for friendly relations. By exceeding the call of duty, the extra layer of generosity makes up for any unintended insufficiencies. Beading makes the joint seamless. It also adds an element of pleasance and fosters high regard for the compassionate. There is no higher place for generosity than a person’s household. Spouses should strive to exceed their bare obligations, and resist being transactional like lawyers appallingly arguing in a court of law to score points.
To recap, Allah SWT metaphorically defines Himself as the Light of the heavens and the earth: “Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth…” [Q, 24: 35] Since the Islamic Shari’ah is full of guidance aimed at inspiring and invigorating one’s family and social life, a glowing house that echoes Islamic principles is, in fact, a reverberator of that Light, akin to a Masjid established for practicing and internalizing the Islamic teachings and glorifying the Almighty: “(Those who are directed to this Light) are found in the houses which Allah has enjoined to be raised and wherein His names are remembered; in them people glorify Him (by obeying Him)…” [Q, 24: 36] A household fortified by such virtues is a fortress of Islam and its residents are promised the ownership of the Paradise: “Enter the Paradise, you and your wives, to enjoy…and live therein forever … This is the Paradise you inherit because of what you used to do.” [Q, 43: 70, 72]
Updated on: 11/16/2024
Islamic Point of View 